…except when they are not. I have to say, when I put my longest standing and most connected relationships under the microscope my findings come out quite contrary to the good ol’ wisdom that relationships take hard work and compromise. And I see it, I get it, I’ve lived it, but my question is this: Is this only so because we’ve chosen it to be so? Putting romance aside for now (I sense we’ll get to that later), I’d have to say very little “work” has been involved in maintaining the long term relationships I have in my life right now. Why is that? If I look closely at the relationships near and dear to my heart at the moment, there is simply a level of acceptance of one another that exists, no real ifs, ands or buts about it. We spend time together when we want to spend time together. We pick up the phone and talk, email or text when we want to connect. Sometimes it’s often, sometimes it’s not, but when we do get together there is little to no conflict or work to be done. The relationship just is. It exists to relate and connect, not to fight or change one another. We may be there for each other to offer advice, provide emotional support or lend resources in time of need, but that hardly seems like work when you care deeply for someone.
Some people close to me have been in my life for a great deal of time: family that I speak to daily, family I see every once in awhile and childhood friends I still connect with pretty regularly. I have friends from high school I rarely see or talk to these days, yet when we get together we can fall right back into the same space of connected relating we once shared so strongly at one point in our lives. Working in gyms, I quite literally have crossed paths with thousands of people, some of whom I became heavily involved with their lives as their personal trainer, others who were simply a smile and a wave a day. Some of these relationships were extremely connected on various levels, some a little, others not at all. So why is it we never talk about how or why these relationships don’t seem to take the “work” people put into romantic relationships?
For one, I think in all of these other instances, there is a basic level of acceptance of each person’s individuality. Maybe I am wrong and I can only speak for myself, but I’ve never called up my best friends upset that they were hanging out with someone else. I’ve never indicted my father for coaching other kids or been jealous that my cousins communicate with my sister more than me. If I don’t speak to my parents for a few days or I go months at a time without chatting with one of my good buddies from high school, why don’t I question whether or not the connection is still there? Well, that’s because there is a level of understanding that these people have their lives and sometimes they are busy and sometimes they are not. Sometimes we’re in touch often, other times not. Yet at the end of the day the connection, the relationship doesn’t really go anywhere. We simply cross paths again when we can and enjoy the time we do get together, then we continue on. We allow this freedom with our loved ones in our lives all the time. We allow this freedom with strangers to come in and out of our lives whether they leave a mark big, small or not at all. I don’t know about you, but I rarely question the coming and going of most relationships because at some level I’ve accepted the fluidity human interaction.
Fluidity. Now there’s a word to be associated with relationship. We grant this freedom and fluidity to platonic relationships pretty instinctually I would say, so why is it we tend to fight this fluidity with romantic relationships? Now, I will to be the first one to admit I am a romantic. I love the fantasy of “romantic love”: undying passion for one another, sensual, sex filled evenings under the stars, whispering sweet nothings and tender embraces, communion of mind, body and spirit in a transcendent state of bliss. Who doesn’t love the idea of that? And it’s not this idea that is fundamentally flawed. The desire to feel passionate, to feel connected, to be stimulated by human interaction, allured by sexual attraction and uplifted by spiritual connection is not the fantasy. The way we go about believing that one person and only one person has been placed on this Earth to satisfy these desires is the deception. Simply look at your life as is right now and look at your loved ones and identify in what ways you’re on the same wavelength and in which ways you are not. Seeing a little variety already? Different people reflect a different part of ourselves back at us.
There are seven billion people on this planet. SEVEN BILLION. Which means there are seven billion different bodies, in seven billion different geographic locations, with seven billion different perspectives on the world, multiplied by x number of life experiences and who knows how many billion different ways to express that experience given that each person may be able to communicate their perspective through various mediums. My god that is a lot of variety. And we believe out of all those seven billion people, one, just one, is going to just boom, satisfy all the wants, needs and desires we may have over the course of our lifetime…or well, at least after a certain day of commitment to each other or whatever? Nope. Sorry. I don’t buy it. I did once, sorta…
Now, this is not to say one cannot have a fulfilling, lifelong romantic relationship as in husband, wife, spouse, life partner, girlfriend, boyfriend or whatever. It seems to me for this to work there must be a few key ingredients for relationship sustainability. The first is both people must know and accept who and what they are and that this too is an ever evolving thing. No single person is going to fulfill every desire nor should they be expected to, that is highly unrealistic. Yet it’s important that neither party involved is trying to change anything about the other. Over the course of my nearly twenty-eight years in existence, I’ve seen many facets of my parents. I’ve watched my sister evolve in her own way and I’ve been along for the ride while my closest friends navigate their own personal journeys and I do not love them anymore or less at any single moment in their journey. It is what it is. I accept them for who they are, I do not judge them and I allow them the freedom to be themselves and they do the same.
The second key ingredient is a connection that runs on a deep level. We are not going to going feel this great connection with everyone. It very well may be a few, or a whole bunch…I don’t know! But don’t deny it when it is there. You know the kinds of connections I’m talking about. The kind of connection that moves you, time flies when you are together, anchored by some sort of almost instinctual recognition at a spiritual, emotional or philosophical level that you both just “get” one another.The third key is to allow the relationship air to breathe the same way we do with family and friends. There are going to be times of tremendous closeness and there will be some times where distance exists and I think we have to allow this to take place.
The fourth and what may be the most important component to every relationship, long or short, platonic or romantic, is to be honest with one another. In my experience, nothing is worse than a failure to communicate if there is tension. Perhaps this is the “work” everyone speaks of, yet when we communicate with one another, the air is quickly cleared and all parties know where they stand. Easy squeezy! I’ll be the first to acknowledge sometimes communicating can be uncomfortable. We have to say things we don’t want to have to say or acknowledge things we may not be quite ready to acknowledge, but for me, the damage done by not saying something is far worse than the awkward talk. From that angle, I see little work to be done for two people to have a healthy relationship. Sounds pretty simple.
Of course, this is all easier said then done. I am an emotional guy, I enjoy having someone to reach out to and connect with, to share time and experiences with, but I am realizing there’s a million ways to have this without suffering the heartache of living up to some sort of expectations. I am still trying to figure out why there is a part of me that holds some traditional ideas about the way romantic relationships should be navigated. My guess, my reflection is it comes from the societal ideal that has been impressed upon my fragile little mind. The irony is these feelings still exist despite my life experience and all reasonability tells me the relationships we have are highly, highly impermanent when it comes to someone always being around.
I have also come to acknowledge the length of the relationship does not constitute it’s power, but the quality of time spent, the honesty shared and the life energy exchanged is what drives that sensation of communion. There can be so much power in even the simplest of interactions and I find often times the shorter the exchange, the more powerful it can be. These little gifts sneak up on us when we hold no expectation from other. Honesty and love simply spring forth in the moment. You know, those moments where you get a little jolt of energy, the sensation of connection and a wholeness of interaction simply for what it is. That is love. You know, as I wrap this up I am making it a point to be more aware of when I feel these moments of unmistakeable connectedness. I wonder with how many people I can fall in love with in a moment of mutual honesty? Then, I wonder how long it will take before our paths diverge once again, onward towards some new experience of ourselves?
- JB
